It's What's for Dinner

I'm having peppermint cookies and white Merlot for dinner tonight - part of the perks of being A) a "grown-up" B) too lazy to cook C) completely unconcerned at the moment about personal health and D) a selfish, indulgent girl.

Thanks for the cookies, Fougs!

Blahgy Blog

I didn't go to my faculty Christmas party this year.. because.. um. .. I suck. I have no excuse other than I flat out didn't want to go. I haven't been particularly social this year for a several reasons:

1. I am bad at idle chit chat and really don't have time for it. Be my friend, genuinely, or get out of the way so that I can get a cup of coffee and go home.

2. I am tired. And cranky. Because I have a 6 month old baby who is teething.

3. I have a ridiculous amount of homework all of the time, every. single. day. most of which stays packed in my school bag because

4. I have a ridiculous amount of housework to do, too.

5. I haven't felt "well" in a while, probably because of hormones.. or lack of exercise..or lack of vegetables.. or due to stress.. probably because I have 150 students, 3 preps, and some really demanding parents (as in one sent me a boldface list of demands, to which I raised my middle finger).

6. I'm balding.

7. I'm so so SO tired. I think I already mentioned it. But I can't remember because I'm SO so tired.

Ironically, I am actually in the holiday spirit, probably because I am so excited to make it special for Baby Jack. He is a relief to all of my cantankery.

I'm sorry for being all grumpy on my blog, or really, my "blah-g". It probably means I'll be getting a call or two from my family. But I promise to get better soon. I do have a break coming up. All I have to do is survive tomorrow and then I might be able to catch up and breathe.

And there is hope. I'm on a red kick lately and recently helped myself to some RED unmentionables from Victoria's Secret, and a red pea coat to match. I'll throw on my heels and it's a party... but not a faculty Christmas one.

In Memoriam

Bettie Page 1923-2008
"She captured a generation of men and women with her free spirit and unabashed sensuality..."

On Being Left

There are so many things I need to write about today and I can't. My muse has packed her suitcase, left an ultimatum in the form of a tear-stained note on my pillow, and is currently hailing a cab. I don't have the energy to run after her, especially when it's raining. So this is me lethargically drooling across a keyboard, hoping that someday all will be resolved, though far be it for me to put any effort into it. She may never return. And that means neither will I. The trick is it's supposed to be this way for me - what's best for him is the "right" way for me, for us and this new life- for today, at least.

I'm such a bitch to let her go.

But then she could have had the decency to tell me she was leaving..

Dream Cafe Revisited

Last night, after a few stems of Pinot Grigio and some contemplative conversation, I accidentally found myself at what used to be a whimsical restaurant, a bohemian veg mecca that unfortunately cowed to meat, therefore becoming appealing to those of us who are a little behind the curve, trend-wise, and a lot more safe. And there I sat among new friends and old, realizing that what happened to the restaurant was sort of a reflection of me.

Not the meat part.. I've always been a carnivore except for that one week when a friendly Uzbek challenged me to an all out veg-a-thon. That was a long week for me, especially as I only know how to steam veggies and toss salads.. Plus, I had jury duty that week. But that's a different story.

Anyway.

What I mean is that I'm past that age of trial and error, freedom wise, and have settled in to my age group - the one where we are fairly comfortable with the status quo- where we make decisions because we are responsible, and "it makes sense," rather than allowing for surprises, even if sometimes the surprises are uncomfortable. I've cowed to an expectation.

What's worse is during the time when it made sense for me to be most irresponsible, I was completely rational! Ugh. What a waste! OK, so not all was a waste. I did, you know, get an education and travel the (safe, Western) world, pretending to be irresponsible. I did wander down to Mexico City once in college, equipped with nothing but a backpack and curiosity, and then eventually Montezuma's revenge.. That was irresponsible, I suppose, and made the bus ride back close to unbearable. But now I'm all consumed by the fact that that part of my life - the part with those sorts of options - may be over for a while.

I have a mortgage. In suburbia. With a cat. And a kid.

Whatthehellhappened?!!

Can I find my way back to at least a little bit of spontaneity?

Some of my friends have gone back, and I envy them.

We did pack Jack's clothes in a Rick Steeves travel backpack for our Thanksgiving jaunt to the Flatlands, and that gave me some hope for our family's future. Also, I applied for a work visa abroad (and was told I am an unlikely candidate), and searched for teaching jobs abroad. I found one UK match that sounded perfect, except I would have to start January 9th - as in a month from now, if I were hired. No can do with all of my responsibility and mortgage..

I suppose, I'm just looking for a new adventure now. I want to dust off the comfort zone and do something else. And maybe looking is enough of a distraction for now, until I can actually make some life changing decisions.
But I am antsy..

Friday Night Salon

When was the last time you had a genuine conversation--an experience not of mere self-assertion but of speaking and listening as though you had something both to offer and to receive? Our habits of language define us, but the pace of our lives is such that the simple gestures of listening carefully and speaking prudently are amazingly rare. The Friday Night Salon aims at being an alternative to the urban rush that denies the civilizing graces of community. We begin with good food and drink, then take our places in a circle for discussion about a variety of relevant, substantial topics. It's a welcome way to end the Dallas workweek.

Discussion topics for December 5, 2008:
1. The psychology of money
2. Is homo sapiens intellectually curious by nature?
3. Can we control how we experience time?

All responses to any and all of the questions are welcome!

Cloudy and Confounded Philosophy

Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has fallen, we've got used to the ruins, and we start to build up new little habitats, new little hopes. If we can't make a road through the obstacles, we go round, or climb over the top. We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen. - Lady Chatterley's Lover, D.H. Lawrence, 1927