Overheard: Polite dinner conversation at home

"Did you hear about the 18 month old baby that fell out of a window seven stories high in Paris?"

"Oh my God NO!"

"Oh no.. Sorry. I mean the baby's fine. She fell seven stories, bounced off of the awning over a door, and a man who happened to be walking by at that moment caught her. "

"What? Really?"

"I know. It's like something out of a damn cartoon."

Seriously. Look:

http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2010/11/02/baby-survives-7-story-fall/?hpt=Sbin

Overheard - In my Brain

So I'm going to London next week where they've raised the terror alert level to severe (a step below 'Bah!' but definitely above 'Meh..').

The two - me being in the UK and the terror level - are probably not related. Still, I feel a bit offended.

New word of the day:

Pissapointed: adjective (though can also be used as a verb or noun (pissapointment): defeated in expectation or hope while feeling, at the same time, angry and/or irritated. eg. He forgot to pick up the kids at school leaving them waiting by themselves for hours. This made her feel severly pissapointed.

(Thanks for this Christine!)

Overheard: 7th Period

"Maybe if Big Brother looked more like Gerard Butler, people wouldn't mind so much that he's 'watching'."

-A. Student

Overheard: Vertigo

Vertigo is not the fear of falling. It is the fear of wanting to fall.

Overheard: Salon

During a break from the titillating stimulation of dead white men like Sir Francis Bacon and Mr. Winston Smith*, a side conversation at the salon:

Him: "So, what's your favorite male, angry dance moment in an 80's movie?"

Me: (inquisitive, befuddled brow, clearly (though I couldn't see myself) since he had to give a patient example)

Him: "For example, mine's Kevin Bacon - when he does that angry gymnastics dance in the warehouse in the movie Footloose."

Her: "Right. And mine is Emilio Estevez's detention dance in The Breakfast Club."

Me: (smiling) You've given this a lot of thought, haven't you. That's why I love you both, dearly. "I'm not sure.."

**Technically Winston Smith isn't dead, but come on! The bullet's coming any day now, right?

Overheard: A subtle distinction, and just in time for Halloween!

Presenter: ...and based on all of my research, I've concluded that out of all of the suspects Jack the Ripper was most likely the priest suffering from the delusions of syphilis.

(Applause.)

Any questions?

Student 1: I've heard that Jack the Ripper was a cannibal. Did you find anything about that in your research?

Presenter: Actually, yeah...

Student 2: (Interrupting.) WAIT. WHAT? JACK THE RIPPER WAS MARRIED?!

Overheard at the Dentist

"You know the poor dear couldn't be anymore country if she were holding a skillet and a shot gun.

But she's so nice.

She wouldn't say shit about anyone, even if her mouth were full of it."

Overheard: Substitute Report

This is an actual letter from a substitute left to my dear teacher friend who had to be out for a day:

God Help You!
6th Period

This class had some kids (Elroy and Nuisance) that tried to be disruptive. I sprayed Nuisance with insecticide and put him in his proper seat. The insecticide might have affected his brain and/or his work ethic because he did virtually nothing except chew the biggest wad of gum I've ever seen. His mouth was considerably more mammoth than the wad of gum. He finally put his head down on the desk, exhausted... probably from all that chewing. Conclusion: Give Nuisance a wad of gum daily.

Oh no! Nuisance resurrected; wanted to go to the restroom. Did I let him? Well, yes, of course! Anything to help the poor guy... and the rest of us.

** No student was actually sprayed with insecticide (so back the hell off) and all names have been changed (in case that poor, innocent student would actually be embarrassed about his poor behavior at school). And if you think I'm being too mean or cold hearted in this post, then Darlings, it is clear that you've never taught ninth grade. :)

Overheard: Teacher Staff Development

A principal, on staffing:

"The On Campus Suspension teacher will not be returning this year. He moved to Oklahoma and opened a night club."

A principal, on dress code:

"Remember to keep in mind that thongs are dangerous."


The school nurse's sage advice:

"If it's wet and not yours, don't touch it."

(And the school year has only begun, darlings!)

Overheard: Man Crush

Sitting in a group of folks, desperately trying not to talk about work (and having already exhausted topics such as "What's your porn star name?" and "What's the weirdest thing you've ever done, the PG version?"):

Her, to the men in the group: SO. Who is your man cru..?"

(Before she could finish the question)

Man in the group, the same one whose porn star name is Richard Concord: ANTHONY BOURDAIN! ANTHONY BOURDAIN!!!

Her: "..ush?"

Others in the group: Wow. That was a fairly enthusiastic and odd response..

Dick Concord: Yeah. This has happened to me before. I hear the word "crush" and I'm all,"ANTHONY BOURDAIN!!!" and they're all "No. I wanted crushed ice," and I'm all, "Oh. Ok. That's cool."

Overheard: Interesting Subject

The subject line of an educational e-newsletter I receive reads:

Your view on teacher charged with attempted murder plus end of year gift ideas!

Overheard: Iranian Expression

Describing Ahmadinejad's um.. circumstance:

"As one Iranian-American observer put it, using an indelicate Iranian expression, the leader has a saw in his posterior: he can't go forward and he can't go back. Unfortunately even to hold still looks excruciating..."

Secor, Laura."Protest Vote." The New Yorker: June 29, 2009.

Overheard: June Bugs

At the neighborhood pool:

"Don't let the June bugs get in your hair!"

"Why not? Are they hard to get out or something?"

- a big brother to his younger one

Overheard: The State of England

At dinner the other night:

"See, what you need to understand is England is a state in the UK."

- a man on a (probably first) date with a girl, sitting at the next table over