Monday, April 20, 2009

Hysterical

There are two events I need to mention here, in this space, whatever this space is - an immature writing (read 'whining') forum, a delicate smartassery, and/or a half-assed diary of sorts. But these two things are something I don't want to forget, so it's best that I tap them out for posterity.. or something. In no particular order (other than one first, then the other - which happens to be a particular order, though that's neither here nor there, except that it's here.. because it is..in this space, whatever this space is), here they are:

#1 I had a creative burst of energy the other day, so I went to the nearest craft store and bought the largest canvas I could afford and some découpage goup. The main reason I'm mentioning this is not so you'll have any of the following reactions:

a. Wow! She's ambitious!

b. Wow! She's insane to think she has time for an art project on top of everything else in her ridiculously disheveled life! I mean, she's got a kid now. Doesn't she know she's supposed to only bake cookies and make butterflies out of paper bags and foil? Doesn't she remember that she should only be concerned with which pair of stonewashed mom jeans rides up the highest and which canvas visor protrudes out far enough to keep the sun off of her AND Baby Jack? What the hell?

c. Wow. I hope what she has isn't contagious. Geez. I hope the découpage works for her. (Whispered) I wonder if she's told all of her partners about this..

No. Hopefully you didn't respond in any of those ways, though I would be sort of cosmically impressed if choice b was your word for word response.

I am telling you this because I want to actually follow through on the project. So if in a week or four if I haven't mentioned it again, come and kick my ass. I mean, please remind me that I was ambitious once, and that if I don't follow through, Obama might hug Hugo Chavez next time, thus causing the collapse of the universe as we know it, and we'll be left with Newt Gingrich sticking out his tongue and then singing "I told you so, I told you so! Rick Perry and I totally knew this would happen!" as we all implode together - except for Texas which will find a way to secede from total world destruction.

#2 I went to hear David Sedaris give a book reading last night at SMU. I've thought about how I would write about the experience, but every time I try to put it into words, it sounds like Chris Farley on Saturday Night Live when he was all, "Remember that one time, when David Sedaris read his stories and was funny and stuff. Um.D'you remember that? It. was. AWESOME!" But nobody remembered, or if they did, it was vaguely.. So, I decided I'm not even going to try, except to say that

It. was. AWESOME!

He's my hero. This was my first formal reading (the informal one being the time Naomi Shihab-Nye came to my classroom to speak to my students and give a writing workshop(!)), and it was better than I could've imagined. Well, OK. It might have been better if, say, Billy Crudup was sitting next to me, trying to distract me in some outrageously flirtatious way. Oh and if there were Merlot available.. And chocolate. Or maybe if all of a sudden everyone collectively reached into their pockets, finding in them all the keys to world peace and ones that would forever end world hunger, and then they were willing to match those keys to their respective locks.. That would've been cool. But apart from those things, it was the best it could be.

Rich is just glad I didn't make good on my promise and try to turn David Sedaris straight. I did wear my red stilettos and sassy undies just in case.

3 comments:

Pam said...

Very funny! Good luck with the decoupage project! And those keys to world peace. THAT would be awesome.

Amy said...

I can't wait to see pictures of your project. Good luck with it.

Lady Jane said...

I love David Sedaris and I am sooo jealous that you got to be at a reading of his!!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Hysterical

There are two events I need to mention here, in this space, whatever this space is - an immature writing (read 'whining') forum, a delicate smartassery, and/or a half-assed diary of sorts. But these two things are something I don't want to forget, so it's best that I tap them out for posterity.. or something. In no particular order (other than one first, then the other - which happens to be a particular order, though that's neither here nor there, except that it's here.. because it is..in this space, whatever this space is), here they are:

#1 I had a creative burst of energy the other day, so I went to the nearest craft store and bought the largest canvas I could afford and some découpage goup. The main reason I'm mentioning this is not so you'll have any of the following reactions:

a. Wow! She's ambitious!

b. Wow! She's insane to think she has time for an art project on top of everything else in her ridiculously disheveled life! I mean, she's got a kid now. Doesn't she know she's supposed to only bake cookies and make butterflies out of paper bags and foil? Doesn't she remember that she should only be concerned with which pair of stonewashed mom jeans rides up the highest and which canvas visor protrudes out far enough to keep the sun off of her AND Baby Jack? What the hell?

c. Wow. I hope what she has isn't contagious. Geez. I hope the découpage works for her. (Whispered) I wonder if she's told all of her partners about this..

No. Hopefully you didn't respond in any of those ways, though I would be sort of cosmically impressed if choice b was your word for word response.

I am telling you this because I want to actually follow through on the project. So if in a week or four if I haven't mentioned it again, come and kick my ass. I mean, please remind me that I was ambitious once, and that if I don't follow through, Obama might hug Hugo Chavez next time, thus causing the collapse of the universe as we know it, and we'll be left with Newt Gingrich sticking out his tongue and then singing "I told you so, I told you so! Rick Perry and I totally knew this would happen!" as we all implode together - except for Texas which will find a way to secede from total world destruction.

#2 I went to hear David Sedaris give a book reading last night at SMU. I've thought about how I would write about the experience, but every time I try to put it into words, it sounds like Chris Farley on Saturday Night Live when he was all, "Remember that one time, when David Sedaris read his stories and was funny and stuff. Um.D'you remember that? It. was. AWESOME!" But nobody remembered, or if they did, it was vaguely.. So, I decided I'm not even going to try, except to say that

It. was. AWESOME!

He's my hero. This was my first formal reading (the informal one being the time Naomi Shihab-Nye came to my classroom to speak to my students and give a writing workshop(!)), and it was better than I could've imagined. Well, OK. It might have been better if, say, Billy Crudup was sitting next to me, trying to distract me in some outrageously flirtatious way. Oh and if there were Merlot available.. And chocolate. Or maybe if all of a sudden everyone collectively reached into their pockets, finding in them all the keys to world peace and ones that would forever end world hunger, and then they were willing to match those keys to their respective locks.. That would've been cool. But apart from those things, it was the best it could be.

Rich is just glad I didn't make good on my promise and try to turn David Sedaris straight. I did wear my red stilettos and sassy undies just in case.

3 comments:

Pam said...

Very funny! Good luck with the decoupage project! And those keys to world peace. THAT would be awesome.

Amy said...

I can't wait to see pictures of your project. Good luck with it.

Lady Jane said...

I love David Sedaris and I am sooo jealous that you got to be at a reading of his!!