The other day during one of the times I was literally banging my head against the wall - trying to reconcile my responsibilities and wants with time limitations - I had an epiphany. This whole time- my whole life - I have been feverishly working towards something. There has always been an end-game be it a diploma, a degree, getting a job, buying a house... Hell, for a while it was me thinking I could "do" things to get my name on heaven's VIP list. Funny, right? But there was always a goal. I worked my ass off (literally when the goal was losing weight) for that end result.
And I realized, as my skull met the wall, that I'm done. At this moment in my life, I am working to no end. My job has no bonuses for those who work harder, no incentives to be better, other than that damned nagging bitch called Integrity. Some might say that I am working so that "the future generation can become good, productive thinking blah blah blah.." But I'm not. I'm not working for them.
Don't get me wrong. It isn't that I find them altogether hopeless, though some days it seems that way. It's just that they are not my sustainable reason. They are not enough.
Some might say that I'm working for Jack - so that he can have a great life. And yeah. That's as close to an end game as I'm going to get. Retirement? That's so far out of reach.
So this is the part where I bide my time until the next goal becomes apparent. There is some freedom in this realization. But also, I want to be better than that. I want to think of an end game - like writing a novel or a finding a job across the ocean. Pipe dreams, I'm sure. But dreams nonetheless. Part of the reason I do any head clanging at all is that I want to be a better Ginger.
Maybe to be a better me I need to accept that we don't always get the end that we had hoped for. History and literature prove that this is true over and over again. Maybe it's fruitless to make goals as a 33 year old teacher in a dead-end job. But I've always believed that the difference between doing and not doing is deciding.
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Friday, February 20, 2009
Head Banging
The other day during one of the times I was literally banging my head against the wall - trying to reconcile my responsibilities and wants with time limitations - I had an epiphany. This whole time- my whole life - I have been feverishly working towards something. There has always been an end-game be it a diploma, a degree, getting a job, buying a house... Hell, for a while it was me thinking I could "do" things to get my name on heaven's VIP list. Funny, right? But there was always a goal. I worked my ass off (literally when the goal was losing weight) for that end result.
And I realized, as my skull met the wall, that I'm done. At this moment in my life, I am working to no end. My job has no bonuses for those who work harder, no incentives to be better, other than that damned nagging bitch called Integrity. Some might say that I am working so that "the future generation can become good, productive thinking blah blah blah.." But I'm not. I'm not working for them.
Don't get me wrong. It isn't that I find them altogether hopeless, though some days it seems that way. It's just that they are not my sustainable reason. They are not enough.
Some might say that I'm working for Jack - so that he can have a great life. And yeah. That's as close to an end game as I'm going to get. Retirement? That's so far out of reach.
So this is the part where I bide my time until the next goal becomes apparent. There is some freedom in this realization. But also, I want to be better than that. I want to think of an end game - like writing a novel or a finding a job across the ocean. Pipe dreams, I'm sure. But dreams nonetheless. Part of the reason I do any head clanging at all is that I want to be a better Ginger.
Maybe to be a better me I need to accept that we don't always get the end that we had hoped for. History and literature prove that this is true over and over again. Maybe it's fruitless to make goals as a 33 year old teacher in a dead-end job. But I've always believed that the difference between doing and not doing is deciding.
And I realized, as my skull met the wall, that I'm done. At this moment in my life, I am working to no end. My job has no bonuses for those who work harder, no incentives to be better, other than that damned nagging bitch called Integrity. Some might say that I am working so that "the future generation can become good, productive thinking blah blah blah.." But I'm not. I'm not working for them.
Don't get me wrong. It isn't that I find them altogether hopeless, though some days it seems that way. It's just that they are not my sustainable reason. They are not enough.
Some might say that I'm working for Jack - so that he can have a great life. And yeah. That's as close to an end game as I'm going to get. Retirement? That's so far out of reach.
So this is the part where I bide my time until the next goal becomes apparent. There is some freedom in this realization. But also, I want to be better than that. I want to think of an end game - like writing a novel or a finding a job across the ocean. Pipe dreams, I'm sure. But dreams nonetheless. Part of the reason I do any head clanging at all is that I want to be a better Ginger.
Maybe to be a better me I need to accept that we don't always get the end that we had hoped for. History and literature prove that this is true over and over again. Maybe it's fruitless to make goals as a 33 year old teacher in a dead-end job. But I've always believed that the difference between doing and not doing is deciding.
1 comment:
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Happy Fun Pants said...
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I love that you're 33 and still have dreams. I think that that's one of the problems with today's society...people relinquish their dreams, or rather their rights to dreams, too easily.
Keep on dreaming...what will come of it IS a better Ginger. :)
Love you... -
March 5, 2009 at 9:45 PM
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1 comment:
I love that you're 33 and still have dreams. I think that that's one of the problems with today's society...people relinquish their dreams, or rather their rights to dreams, too easily.
Keep on dreaming...what will come of it IS a better Ginger. :)
Love you...
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