Saturday, August 23, 2008

Does anyone have a beached whale I can borrow?

Every year around this time - the time when I am so sick of feeling like I reside in a German sauna where one is not only uncomfortable because of the insane heat that disallows breath, but is also uncomfortable because one is awkwardly looking (read "trying not to look") at the extremely hairy, heavy set man in the one-size-fits-all speedo and his topless wife, both of whom must be at least 72 years old (Can boobs really hang that low? I'm talking about him, not her..), and where one, in said sauna, can only smell European "old person" (which happens, I just read, to not exist - old people do not have a distinctive smell; they simply bathe less often because they don't give a shit about offending anyone) mixed with mildewy egg water that the couple keeps ladling over the hot rocks..- I go a little crazy.

In short, I've had enough of the summer heat.

It makes me cranky.

And it can't be that it's just hot, like El Paso's manageable heat that feels like God has pointed the world's biggest hairdryer (duh, it's God's hairdryer) in one's face. It has to be 90% humid, too. It's so humid that I think beached whales could survive out of the water here, if they could tolerate the heat that is.

Anyway. This happens every year. Every year I reach this breaking point. Every year I fall on my knees and beg the earth goddess to throw me a freaking bone. Then I pout for the next 4 months until December when it cools off to a chilly 65 degrees and I whine about wanting to go swimming. "Where," I beg in an angelic sniveling voice, "Where oh where is Fall?"

This year I am going to be more proactive. I've decided that since the Metroplex sidesteps the pleasantries of Fall and careens head-first into the dead of "winter", I will have to simulate my own in-between season. Here's a list of what I need on hand to be successful:

* one pumpkin spice candle
* several silk orange, yellow, and brown leaves
* several real orange, yellow, and brown leaves (for stomping)
* a bag of candy corn
* a bag of kettle corn
* a hay bale or two
* apples and a large wash tub
* a bouquet of unsharpened pencils
* a pleasant looking scarecrow (not the scary kind that can sometimes be mistaken for an actual person)
* a taxidermied crow
* a pot of chrysanthemums
* maize

Or I could simply walk down the seasonal aisle at Hobby Lobby.

2 comments:

Bonnie said...

I sympathize and understand your pain (spent 10 years spread out between St. Louis, Baltimore, and Port Arthur so I know humidity), but I must point out that El Paso is no longer the dry heat capital of the world. The humidity levels are high enough to make those with swamp coolers instead of central air and heat suffer through the hot days of summer. Fortunately for me my house does have central air and heat, but my parents are still in the dark ages of swamp coolers which make for some very unpleasant visits. Stay indoors and cool down, relief will happen eventually!

Mark said...

i AM SO sORRY FOR NOT HAVING BEEN IN MORE REGULAR TOUCH. i am presently up to my freaking neck in it. i will write soon, i promise

xxxxxxxxx

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Does anyone have a beached whale I can borrow?

Every year around this time - the time when I am so sick of feeling like I reside in a German sauna where one is not only uncomfortable because of the insane heat that disallows breath, but is also uncomfortable because one is awkwardly looking (read "trying not to look") at the extremely hairy, heavy set man in the one-size-fits-all speedo and his topless wife, both of whom must be at least 72 years old (Can boobs really hang that low? I'm talking about him, not her..), and where one, in said sauna, can only smell European "old person" (which happens, I just read, to not exist - old people do not have a distinctive smell; they simply bathe less often because they don't give a shit about offending anyone) mixed with mildewy egg water that the couple keeps ladling over the hot rocks..- I go a little crazy.

In short, I've had enough of the summer heat.

It makes me cranky.

And it can't be that it's just hot, like El Paso's manageable heat that feels like God has pointed the world's biggest hairdryer (duh, it's God's hairdryer) in one's face. It has to be 90% humid, too. It's so humid that I think beached whales could survive out of the water here, if they could tolerate the heat that is.

Anyway. This happens every year. Every year I reach this breaking point. Every year I fall on my knees and beg the earth goddess to throw me a freaking bone. Then I pout for the next 4 months until December when it cools off to a chilly 65 degrees and I whine about wanting to go swimming. "Where," I beg in an angelic sniveling voice, "Where oh where is Fall?"

This year I am going to be more proactive. I've decided that since the Metroplex sidesteps the pleasantries of Fall and careens head-first into the dead of "winter", I will have to simulate my own in-between season. Here's a list of what I need on hand to be successful:

* one pumpkin spice candle
* several silk orange, yellow, and brown leaves
* several real orange, yellow, and brown leaves (for stomping)
* a bag of candy corn
* a bag of kettle corn
* a hay bale or two
* apples and a large wash tub
* a bouquet of unsharpened pencils
* a pleasant looking scarecrow (not the scary kind that can sometimes be mistaken for an actual person)
* a taxidermied crow
* a pot of chrysanthemums
* maize

Or I could simply walk down the seasonal aisle at Hobby Lobby.

2 comments:

Bonnie said...

I sympathize and understand your pain (spent 10 years spread out between St. Louis, Baltimore, and Port Arthur so I know humidity), but I must point out that El Paso is no longer the dry heat capital of the world. The humidity levels are high enough to make those with swamp coolers instead of central air and heat suffer through the hot days of summer. Fortunately for me my house does have central air and heat, but my parents are still in the dark ages of swamp coolers which make for some very unpleasant visits. Stay indoors and cool down, relief will happen eventually!

Mark said...

i AM SO sORRY FOR NOT HAVING BEEN IN MORE REGULAR TOUCH. i am presently up to my freaking neck in it. i will write soon, i promise

xxxxxxxxx