Friday, March 26, 2010

Hell

Dante and Milton have made egregious miscalculations in their assessments of hell in the form of a very obvious omission. Dante's circles are incomplete as such, as is Milton's burning, sulfurous terrain.
_______________________________________________
Rich and I, in the middle of enduring a very long "staycation" in our house over spring break, looked at each other, exasperated. In that raspy, "I see dead people" voice, the one only used in the face of some supernatural terror, he whispered, hardly audible,"Dear God. We have a toddler.."
"How in the hell did this happen?" I responded in the same hissy tenor.

And then we both started sobbing.

Earlier, I was horrified to find banana smeared all over the keyboard and screen of my laptop. I turned to Rich and began to complain, when I remembered that earlier that day, Toddler Jack had taken a crayon to Rich's. Unfortunately, it was too late. The statement was out. That's when we broke and started remembering all of the mischief that took place that day related to the actions of our almost-two-year-old Jack. The statements came rapid fire and generally began with "And then he...", "And then.." In the interest of brevity, here is that frantic exchange, ordered more cogently than the original and in a bullet point list (because it's alot):

* Computers - one artistically adorned, the medium being crayon, the other glazed in a sticky fruit compote.

* Shoes firmly planted.. in the flower pots...in the house.

* Items put away (somewhere) for the future:
- One half-eaten jelly bean
- One hairbrush (Daddy's)
- Ten pairs of socks (his)

*Items put in the trash (that were thankfully recovered):
- A check in the amount of $13.50
- A lovely necklace and one earring
- One copy of Alice in Wonderland
- One television remote
- One book of Christmas postage stamps
- One pair of glasses

* Bathtub - One toy boat played with in bath, the same boat that needed to be bailed out, as did apparently the bathtub itself.

* Climbing Practice (freestyle):
- On top of the dinning table
- On top of the bar stools
- On top of a dresser, using the back of a couch as a spring board

* Number of fits thrown: 5, not including diaper changing ones

* Number of diaper changes: 5

* Number of time-outs: 1, including fit

*Number of headache pills taken by parents as a result of fits: 4 (2 ea)

* Number of glasses of wine consumed: 4 (2 ea and counting)

* Percentage of patience lost by parents: 99.9% (.1% away from total breakdown)

And we're really good, attentive parents! I can't imagine the catastrophe that must happen in homes where parents aren't as attentive, or in homes where, and I shudder to say it, more than one toddler resides!
_____________________________________________
Dante and Milton clearly never spent very much time with an almost two-year-old kid. Surely, they would've considered them when writing their epics..

(Though all of the items on this list did actually take place in one day, I have to say that I have the best kiddo in the world! He's smart and sweet and wonderful... which is why we can endure the storm and which is why all of our spare change is going to the local vineyards.)

This post was inspired by the Loose Bloggers Consortium, a small and feisty(!) global community. We write weekly on a common topic (Hell, this week) and post responses - all of us together, simultaneously, from all over the world. (Lovely!) Please visit Anu, Ashok, Conrad, gaelikaa, Grannymar, Judy, Magpie 11, Maria and Ramana for other wonderful posts.

7 comments:

Grannymar said...

Toddlers may bring you to a living hell, but one big toothy smile and your heart wings its way to heaven! Enjoy!


PS I like the new look and it is very easy to read. Thank you Ginger.

K A B L O O E Y said...

Mine was most trouble right before two, too. Then a bit after two, then really too good for a very long spell, long enough for two parents to think, "whew, that's over." Then came four and with it a stronger sense of self, unending mischief and a nose for trouble. That she laughs at. Still, 95% good, I think. And if it were someone else's kid, it'd all be funny. That's what I tell myself, but I don't know what I'd do with more than one.

Rummuser said...

Ginger, when they grow up and fly away, you will remember all these things and pine for the good old days. Take it from me.

The Daily Dose said...

Hey look at that fancy new layout! I like it! No children for me yet, and posts like this make me wonder if it's in the future at all. I'm already a friend of wine, surely it will pay off in times of toddlerhood.

Sarah Morgan said...

Hmmm. remember when I said I would come watch Jack anytime... :) You make it sound really appealing!:)Hang in there!! We miss you guys! <3 Dutch and Sarah

Sandy said...

I knew a woman who had a 2 year old and then had twins...all boys. I believe she's in an institution now.

Hang in there...this, too, shall pass.

rich said...

Look at the bright side. Now we know that WD-40 gets crayon right off laptops. Yippie!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Hell

Dante and Milton have made egregious miscalculations in their assessments of hell in the form of a very obvious omission. Dante's circles are incomplete as such, as is Milton's burning, sulfurous terrain.
_______________________________________________
Rich and I, in the middle of enduring a very long "staycation" in our house over spring break, looked at each other, exasperated. In that raspy, "I see dead people" voice, the one only used in the face of some supernatural terror, he whispered, hardly audible,"Dear God. We have a toddler.."
"How in the hell did this happen?" I responded in the same hissy tenor.

And then we both started sobbing.

Earlier, I was horrified to find banana smeared all over the keyboard and screen of my laptop. I turned to Rich and began to complain, when I remembered that earlier that day, Toddler Jack had taken a crayon to Rich's. Unfortunately, it was too late. The statement was out. That's when we broke and started remembering all of the mischief that took place that day related to the actions of our almost-two-year-old Jack. The statements came rapid fire and generally began with "And then he...", "And then.." In the interest of brevity, here is that frantic exchange, ordered more cogently than the original and in a bullet point list (because it's alot):

* Computers - one artistically adorned, the medium being crayon, the other glazed in a sticky fruit compote.

* Shoes firmly planted.. in the flower pots...in the house.

* Items put away (somewhere) for the future:
- One half-eaten jelly bean
- One hairbrush (Daddy's)
- Ten pairs of socks (his)

*Items put in the trash (that were thankfully recovered):
- A check in the amount of $13.50
- A lovely necklace and one earring
- One copy of Alice in Wonderland
- One television remote
- One book of Christmas postage stamps
- One pair of glasses

* Bathtub - One toy boat played with in bath, the same boat that needed to be bailed out, as did apparently the bathtub itself.

* Climbing Practice (freestyle):
- On top of the dinning table
- On top of the bar stools
- On top of a dresser, using the back of a couch as a spring board

* Number of fits thrown: 5, not including diaper changing ones

* Number of diaper changes: 5

* Number of time-outs: 1, including fit

*Number of headache pills taken by parents as a result of fits: 4 (2 ea)

* Number of glasses of wine consumed: 4 (2 ea and counting)

* Percentage of patience lost by parents: 99.9% (.1% away from total breakdown)

And we're really good, attentive parents! I can't imagine the catastrophe that must happen in homes where parents aren't as attentive, or in homes where, and I shudder to say it, more than one toddler resides!
_____________________________________________
Dante and Milton clearly never spent very much time with an almost two-year-old kid. Surely, they would've considered them when writing their epics..

(Though all of the items on this list did actually take place in one day, I have to say that I have the best kiddo in the world! He's smart and sweet and wonderful... which is why we can endure the storm and which is why all of our spare change is going to the local vineyards.)

This post was inspired by the Loose Bloggers Consortium, a small and feisty(!) global community. We write weekly on a common topic (Hell, this week) and post responses - all of us together, simultaneously, from all over the world. (Lovely!) Please visit Anu, Ashok, Conrad, gaelikaa, Grannymar, Judy, Magpie 11, Maria and Ramana for other wonderful posts.

7 comments:

Grannymar said...

Toddlers may bring you to a living hell, but one big toothy smile and your heart wings its way to heaven! Enjoy!


PS I like the new look and it is very easy to read. Thank you Ginger.

K A B L O O E Y said...

Mine was most trouble right before two, too. Then a bit after two, then really too good for a very long spell, long enough for two parents to think, "whew, that's over." Then came four and with it a stronger sense of self, unending mischief and a nose for trouble. That she laughs at. Still, 95% good, I think. And if it were someone else's kid, it'd all be funny. That's what I tell myself, but I don't know what I'd do with more than one.

Rummuser said...

Ginger, when they grow up and fly away, you will remember all these things and pine for the good old days. Take it from me.

The Daily Dose said...

Hey look at that fancy new layout! I like it! No children for me yet, and posts like this make me wonder if it's in the future at all. I'm already a friend of wine, surely it will pay off in times of toddlerhood.

Sarah Morgan said...

Hmmm. remember when I said I would come watch Jack anytime... :) You make it sound really appealing!:)Hang in there!! We miss you guys! <3 Dutch and Sarah

Sandy said...

I knew a woman who had a 2 year old and then had twins...all boys. I believe she's in an institution now.

Hang in there...this, too, shall pass.

rich said...

Look at the bright side. Now we know that WD-40 gets crayon right off laptops. Yippie!