Monday, June 29, 2009

Define "Win"

It occurred to me the other night that I had sort of won, in a way. I've always been the girl who has been happy to play, with the understanding that the "results are not what matter, it's the experience.." That's the politically correct way of saying, "You probably won't win, Ginger, so how can we crush your spirit the least?"

I was about to say that it didn't bother me, not winning. But all of a sudden memories of not winning came flooding back, and it turns out I feel a twinge of bitterness at defeats like not making the final cut for the Lincoln Junior High School Junior Varsity Lady Warrior Basketball Team. I convinced myself that the reason I didn't make the team or the squad, or whatever the competition, was that I didn't really want it badly enough. If I had had more desire and dedication and was less interested in making Merek Rogers notice me, (so that someday I could become Mrs. Merek Rogers - specifically Ginger Rogers (glitter!))- then I would've won my spot.

So, I've won at something recently. I said in a previous post that I applied to be an international teacher. What I actually did was sign with a company that helps teachers find jobs in international schools. At the time I felt like it was a no brainer: Fill out lengthy paperwork packet, update resume, write two narratives, with these send in letters of recommendation, send in official transcripts and certificates, make Rich write something called a "spousal letter" and send it, and mail a check for processing listed materials.

I completed all transactions and checklists and was promptly notified that I was accepted into the company's program - stamp red 'APPROVED' on file.

Until the other night (and thanks to the clarity that Christine and Jamie often bring to the dinner table, along with magnificent pineapple pie), I realized what a big deal it was. What I thought was compiling paperwork and jumping through hoops was actually a company telling me that I'm worth representing- that when attending interview conferences, they recommend me for the job, and the schools who have read my file before meeting me understand that what they are looking for is a personality fit.

I should feel relieved - accepted - elated!

Unfortunately, what I feel is anxiety. Apart from this potentially being the biggest change in my life - definitely bigger than marriage and in some ways bigger than motherhood (changing cultural norms is like that)- I've made myself completely vulnerable and open to rejection when the personality is not a perfect match, or I'm not qualified enough, or if the money isn't right, or if my interview goes sour thanks to me not wearing the right pinstriped pencil skirt.

My life is good. I suppose that's the ultimate win. I love my family and my home. I very much value them. Probably I should find contentment here. Also, I understand that in leaving all of this, I'm taking my family into the insecure unknown and that is always scary. In this case, I think the experience of "going for it" is what matters, to an extent. But more than that, I very much need to win my spot. The idea of not winning - not finding my place - is very much spirit crushing.

6 comments:

Amy said...

We all want to win in life. If you get something you really want and you can go for it then do it. Yeah. Keep me up with what happens. Have a great day.

Yaya said...

I think this is amazing. I wish I had the guts to do something like this!

monica said...

Stopping by from SITS to say HI!

the girls' moma said...

I can't BELIEVE you managed to fit Merek Frickin' Rogers into your blog.

You're GOOOOOD.

cliff said...

You'll be fine either way!! Here or there, wherever you go with Rich & Jack, you'll be fine. Not to minimize you being anxious, but job interviews, moving across the country, (twice!!), not know anybody where you're going & missing the ones from whence you came, kinda makes you realize what really matters & makes the difference in your life. I could ramble on, but really, you'll be fine. Just fine.

cliff said...

As well, you've already won BTW!! You want for nothing, but strive for something more!! Isn't it awesome that you have prepared yourself your whole life, so that you can have that choice? Could it be any better? You have the means and ability to do anything you want to do!! See where you can go with that! See where it can take you and your family!!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Define "Win"

It occurred to me the other night that I had sort of won, in a way. I've always been the girl who has been happy to play, with the understanding that the "results are not what matter, it's the experience.." That's the politically correct way of saying, "You probably won't win, Ginger, so how can we crush your spirit the least?"

I was about to say that it didn't bother me, not winning. But all of a sudden memories of not winning came flooding back, and it turns out I feel a twinge of bitterness at defeats like not making the final cut for the Lincoln Junior High School Junior Varsity Lady Warrior Basketball Team. I convinced myself that the reason I didn't make the team or the squad, or whatever the competition, was that I didn't really want it badly enough. If I had had more desire and dedication and was less interested in making Merek Rogers notice me, (so that someday I could become Mrs. Merek Rogers - specifically Ginger Rogers (glitter!))- then I would've won my spot.

So, I've won at something recently. I said in a previous post that I applied to be an international teacher. What I actually did was sign with a company that helps teachers find jobs in international schools. At the time I felt like it was a no brainer: Fill out lengthy paperwork packet, update resume, write two narratives, with these send in letters of recommendation, send in official transcripts and certificates, make Rich write something called a "spousal letter" and send it, and mail a check for processing listed materials.

I completed all transactions and checklists and was promptly notified that I was accepted into the company's program - stamp red 'APPROVED' on file.

Until the other night (and thanks to the clarity that Christine and Jamie often bring to the dinner table, along with magnificent pineapple pie), I realized what a big deal it was. What I thought was compiling paperwork and jumping through hoops was actually a company telling me that I'm worth representing- that when attending interview conferences, they recommend me for the job, and the schools who have read my file before meeting me understand that what they are looking for is a personality fit.

I should feel relieved - accepted - elated!

Unfortunately, what I feel is anxiety. Apart from this potentially being the biggest change in my life - definitely bigger than marriage and in some ways bigger than motherhood (changing cultural norms is like that)- I've made myself completely vulnerable and open to rejection when the personality is not a perfect match, or I'm not qualified enough, or if the money isn't right, or if my interview goes sour thanks to me not wearing the right pinstriped pencil skirt.

My life is good. I suppose that's the ultimate win. I love my family and my home. I very much value them. Probably I should find contentment here. Also, I understand that in leaving all of this, I'm taking my family into the insecure unknown and that is always scary. In this case, I think the experience of "going for it" is what matters, to an extent. But more than that, I very much need to win my spot. The idea of not winning - not finding my place - is very much spirit crushing.

6 comments:

Amy said...

We all want to win in life. If you get something you really want and you can go for it then do it. Yeah. Keep me up with what happens. Have a great day.

Yaya said...

I think this is amazing. I wish I had the guts to do something like this!

monica said...

Stopping by from SITS to say HI!

the girls' moma said...

I can't BELIEVE you managed to fit Merek Frickin' Rogers into your blog.

You're GOOOOOD.

cliff said...

You'll be fine either way!! Here or there, wherever you go with Rich & Jack, you'll be fine. Not to minimize you being anxious, but job interviews, moving across the country, (twice!!), not know anybody where you're going & missing the ones from whence you came, kinda makes you realize what really matters & makes the difference in your life. I could ramble on, but really, you'll be fine. Just fine.

cliff said...

As well, you've already won BTW!! You want for nothing, but strive for something more!! Isn't it awesome that you have prepared yourself your whole life, so that you can have that choice? Could it be any better? You have the means and ability to do anything you want to do!! See where you can go with that! See where it can take you and your family!!