Saturday, March 21, 2009

Midnight in the Garden, cont.

So, to continue the story, Baby Jack woke up screaming bloody murder at 3:00 am. This time, I didn't hurdle over Rich (using his face as a springboard, in order to not have to walk around the bed, to get to Jack's room - obviously saving precious milliseconds) like I usually do. I simply opened my eyes. Wide.

I listened.

Obviously, the wayward spirits had returned.

I thought, "Damn spirits! I'm sick of being afraid of you! Why can't you stay out of a baby's room! I mean, come on! That is SO. FREAKING. INCONSIDERATE." I slammed my fist down in anger, whispered, "How dare they!?", and then turned over to calculate exactly what I was going to say to the spirits during our imminent confrontation. I needed a plan that required minimal exertion, one that involved me not having to get out of bed.


By this time, Rich was up, stumbling around in the dark trying to find a t-shirt so that he could do the parental thing (um, the right thing) and actually go check on the screaming baby.

He left just as I remembered that I could perform an exorcism by just invoking Jesus' name. "Perfect!" I thought.

Ok. You are thinking one of two things:

1. What a psychopathic, religious nutter!!
Or
2. This isn't funny, Ginger. Exorcisms are ne-ver funny, and you are teetering on the edge of heresy.

Yes. On both counts. But it was 3:00 in the morning; I was groggy, pissed off, and enduring a screaming baby.

So, I started casting out demons in the same way that one might cast aside mismatched socks from the dryer. I imagined myself patronizing the spirits as I told them to "get the hell out, in the name of Jesus" and pitched my thumb towards the window to show them the fastest exit route. I imagined all of the spirits who were related to me who might want to stop by and see Jack. Couldn't they come during the daytime, or at least gaze at him quietly? I angrily ousted them, too.

And lo and behold, it worked! The baby stopped screaming! I had won!

That is, until the neighbor's new pit bull started barking, LOUDLY. The irony of this wasn't lost on me. And probably it was penance for "casting" out spirits. Any rational person might have berated herself for being so smug. Any rational person might have gone next door to calmly explain that she had just gotten her baby to sleep and that the barking would wake him up and could they please escort their dog to an area where we couldn't hear him bark.. Any rational person might have done these things.

But the irrational?

Yeah. We start casting spirits out of our neighbor's backyard, too.

5 comments:

A Psych Mommy said...

I think you might have to come to my house to cast some demons out of my son's room! He was up at, let's see, 10, 12, 3:30 and 5:30 last night. Definitely not normal!

Kathy B! said...

I desperately need your skills. The spirits are causing things to explode in my home and it needs to stop, stat!

Laura said...

AWESOME. I love it.

Ron said...

You really need a next door neighbor with pigs and a cliff...

Any parent who is rational hasn't been a parent for very long...the fun has just begun!

Ginger said...

Hi All,
I'm not sure I would call my demon outcasting a "skill". Maybe it is in the same way that lunacy is a skill..
And Ron, if only I had some pigs and a cliff. Maybe that would be a warning to all the other demons. What I have now is pretty much an idle threat.. :D

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Midnight in the Garden, cont.

So, to continue the story, Baby Jack woke up screaming bloody murder at 3:00 am. This time, I didn't hurdle over Rich (using his face as a springboard, in order to not have to walk around the bed, to get to Jack's room - obviously saving precious milliseconds) like I usually do. I simply opened my eyes. Wide.

I listened.

Obviously, the wayward spirits had returned.

I thought, "Damn spirits! I'm sick of being afraid of you! Why can't you stay out of a baby's room! I mean, come on! That is SO. FREAKING. INCONSIDERATE." I slammed my fist down in anger, whispered, "How dare they!?", and then turned over to calculate exactly what I was going to say to the spirits during our imminent confrontation. I needed a plan that required minimal exertion, one that involved me not having to get out of bed.


By this time, Rich was up, stumbling around in the dark trying to find a t-shirt so that he could do the parental thing (um, the right thing) and actually go check on the screaming baby.

He left just as I remembered that I could perform an exorcism by just invoking Jesus' name. "Perfect!" I thought.

Ok. You are thinking one of two things:

1. What a psychopathic, religious nutter!!
Or
2. This isn't funny, Ginger. Exorcisms are ne-ver funny, and you are teetering on the edge of heresy.

Yes. On both counts. But it was 3:00 in the morning; I was groggy, pissed off, and enduring a screaming baby.

So, I started casting out demons in the same way that one might cast aside mismatched socks from the dryer. I imagined myself patronizing the spirits as I told them to "get the hell out, in the name of Jesus" and pitched my thumb towards the window to show them the fastest exit route. I imagined all of the spirits who were related to me who might want to stop by and see Jack. Couldn't they come during the daytime, or at least gaze at him quietly? I angrily ousted them, too.

And lo and behold, it worked! The baby stopped screaming! I had won!

That is, until the neighbor's new pit bull started barking, LOUDLY. The irony of this wasn't lost on me. And probably it was penance for "casting" out spirits. Any rational person might have berated herself for being so smug. Any rational person might have gone next door to calmly explain that she had just gotten her baby to sleep and that the barking would wake him up and could they please escort their dog to an area where we couldn't hear him bark.. Any rational person might have done these things.

But the irrational?

Yeah. We start casting spirits out of our neighbor's backyard, too.

5 comments:

A Psych Mommy said...

I think you might have to come to my house to cast some demons out of my son's room! He was up at, let's see, 10, 12, 3:30 and 5:30 last night. Definitely not normal!

Kathy B! said...

I desperately need your skills. The spirits are causing things to explode in my home and it needs to stop, stat!

Laura said...

AWESOME. I love it.

Ron said...

You really need a next door neighbor with pigs and a cliff...

Any parent who is rational hasn't been a parent for very long...the fun has just begun!

Ginger said...

Hi All,
I'm not sure I would call my demon outcasting a "skill". Maybe it is in the same way that lunacy is a skill..
And Ron, if only I had some pigs and a cliff. Maybe that would be a warning to all the other demons. What I have now is pretty much an idle threat.. :D